“You don't get what you want in life. You get who you are” But how?
For a long time, I pondered the meaning behind this statement: "You don’t get what you want in life, you get what you are." At first glance, it seems like just another motivational quote, the kind you’d see on a poster or hear in a self-help seminar. But the more I reflected on it and stitched it to my own life experiences, the deeper its truth revealed itself. This isn’t just a catchy phrase—it’s a profound insight into how life operates.
The Psychological Basis: From Thought to Identity
As a student of psychology, I encountered the concept of projection early on. Projection is the idea that what we hold in our minds often manifests in how we view and interact with the world. Our thoughts become words, our words shape actions, and repeated actions solidify into habits. Over time, these habits form the foundation of our character — the core of who we are. This progression of thoughts to identity isn’t just philosophical; it’s supported by cognitive psychology and behavioural science.
Who we are — our beliefs, habits, and behaviours — dictates how we perceive the world and how the world perceives us. For instance, if you truly believe in your capability and self-worth, your actions will naturally align with that belief. You'll take calculated risks, pursue opportunities, and persist in the face of challenges. On the other hand, if you hold limiting beliefs — like thinking you’re undeserving or incapable — your actions may reflect hesitation or self-sabotage, leading to fewer opportunities or successes. This self-fulfilling loop underscores the intra- and interpersonal nature of identity. Who you are influences not only how you see yourself but also how others interact with and respond to you.
The Role of Cognitive Dissonance: Aligning Identity with Actions
On a personal level, I’ve wrestled with the concept of "like attracts like." There were times I tried to fit into social groups or professional environments by molding myself into someone I wasn’t. While change and adaptability are natural aspects of growth, I realized that forcing a persona contradictory to my core values created cognitive dissonance — a psychological discomfort arising from inconsistency between actions and beliefs.
This dissonance not only leads to unhappiness but also undermines authenticity, making it harder to build meaningful relationships or achieve personal fulfillment. True change isn’t about abandoning your core; it’s about refining and enhancing it, adapting to environments; like how water takes the shape of whatever it is poured in (and it is still water). When you embody your authentic self — your strengths, flaws, and aspirations, you tend to attract people and opportunities aligned with your true nature. Conversely, negativity or fear often repels the very things you desire.
The Danger of Wishful Thinking
In our goal-driven culture, it’s easy to conflate wanting something with working for it. But wanting love, wealth, or success isn’t enough if your actions don’t align with those desires. This is where many fall into the trap of wishful thinking — expecting results without the transformation required to achieve them.
For instance, if you want wealth, you need to embody the traits of someone financially literate. Similarly if you want love, you must cultivate emotional intelligence, kindness, and vulnerability and openness to both giving and receiving. Desire without action leads nowhere. To truly "get what you are," you must become the person who is capable of attaining and sustaining what you want.
Identity is Fluid, but Intentional
Finally, let’s address a common misconception: If identity is fluid, can’t we just mold ourselves into whatever is required? Yes and no. Identity is not a fixed trait — it evolves with new experiences and beliefs. However, forced change that contradicts your core values can lead to internal conflict.
In psychological terms, your ego and id are often at odds. The ego represents your rational self, aiming for growth and alignment, while the id operates on primal instincts and immediate gratification. Navigating this dynamic requires intention — choosing to shape your beliefs, habits, and values consciously rather than being shaped passively by external influences.
Takeaway
The key takeaway is that who you are is not fixed; it is a construct that can be reshaped with intention and effort. Human psychology shows us that our minds are not static; they evolve with new experiences and beliefs. However, with every experience, we are adding references that shape our self-concept. This is why it’s crucial to be mindful of what we consume — be it information, relationships, or habits — because what we consume, in time, consumes us. By focusing on refining your values, virtues, and actions, you create an internal compass that guides you toward your goals. The outcomes, whether positive or negative, become secondary; they are merely byproducts of the person you’ve become. In hindsight, you’ll find that even the challenges or failures you faced were stepping stones that connected the dots of your journey. Life is, at its core, a mental game, and mastering yourself is the ultimate challenge. When you rise above, striving not just for what you want but for who you can become, life rewards you in ways far beyond your initial expectations. What you get isn’t just a reflection of what you wanted — it’s a reflection of who you truly are.